Monday, December 16, 2013

Unwritten & Unread

There are some days that are SO GOOD I can't wait to blog about them.  And then there are days that are just so awful it takes days to recover from the sadness.  I'm not one to write a post and hit publish though, there is always an hour or two of thinking about the post, proofreading, spellchecking, grammar-nazi behavior.  So there are currently 19 draft posts sitting in blogger.  None of them are finished, some are just a title and two lines, and there they all sit, unread.  

I want/need/desire (I cannot find the right word) to get back into the place where I could sit down with my journal and write until my hand hurt, my brain was calm, and I found peace inside my heart.  It has been a long time since I was that girl, since I have found that place, and I miss it within the depths of my soul. 

Friday was a day that was SO GOOD, I couldn't wait to share my joy with everyone I knew.  My bff at work had her baby on Friday - a sweet 6lb, 13oz baby girl with a head of hair and the cutest smile at just 1 day old.  And my little brother became an Army Infantry Sniper.   He is one of just 150 graduates from that program this year.  I was SO SO SO proud, happy, excited at the end of the day.  

And then there was Saturday, where I made a list of all the things that I wanted and needed to do before Christmas - and thought I would cry right on the spot.  Trying to be me, a good friend, a good bridesmaid, a good wife, and a good daughter is exhausting.  I wish I could enjoy our first Christmas in our home.  Instead, I'm focused on Christmas for my dad and brother - decorating their home, buying them a tree, and wrapping their gifts.  I bought a tree for our house, but it has no lights or decorations, because there isn't time.  I think Christmas this year is proving more difficult than Christmas last year, and it is exhausting.  Last year there was support from all areas of our lives, and it did lift a bit of the burden from our shoulders.  This year, not the case. I am off on Tuesday from work, and my to-do list is already so long I know it is unattainable.  I'm not sure who this sad, exhausted person is that I have become - it's not the person I want to be and I know it is not the person my Mommy raised.  But how do I find myself again? How do I find myself when my goal for 2014 (an incredibly personal one) has been turned down as a possibility by one of my best friends? How do I find myself when those I used to count on don't answer calls or respond to texts when I need them most? How do I make time for me when my suggestions of simplifying the holidays and other events are met with responses of selfishness and disrespect? 

Here's to 2013 being over.  Yes, I'm wishing away the last 15 days of this month, wishing away the last 2 weeks of this year.  I'm ready to start over for myself - to find myself - maybe?