Tuesday, March 5, 2013

The Tough Stuff

Let me start this out by saying that I know the world isn't ending and someday I will look back on the last 6 months and know that it made me stronger.  But right now, I need to get this mess off my chest and out of my head. I apologize if you're related to me, this might be something you'd prefer not to read. The rest of you, thanks for listening. 

I've written several similar posts over the last few months, but they're all sitting in my drafts because I didn't want to hit "Publish" on such a woe-is-me post.  I've refrained my best from doing so - or it would be the only thing to read on this blog.  But today, today was more than I could handle and it is only 9am. I woke up this morning and realized I had my phone on vibrate overnight and missed the alert that Christopher was on Facebook at 3am.  I was so mad and upset at myself, it was likely the only opportunity to talk to him today and I had questions to ask him.  Trying to remember that being on Facebook means he is safe, and of course I read through all the things he shared last night, his usual snarky self came right through. I pulled it together, finished doing my hair and left for work.  Barely out of the development, a Bonnie Raitt song comes on the radio.  There is a reason I don't listen to Y102 anymore, because I never know when they're going to play a Bonnie song and memories of singing along to records, tapes, and cds with mom is usually more than I can handle.  So there I am, less than 10 minutes after finishing my make-up, ruining it by crying.  

Family Vacation - Summer 2011 (pre-diagnosis)

 There are so many days like today, days where all I want is to crawl into bed and cry.  To have Kevin hold me, because I know that life will never be the same again.  I know there are a million amazing people in my life (although less than 40 have donated to my fundraising efforts), but some days I feel so alone.  The heartbreak of losing 3 of the most important women in my life in 18 months is too awful for me to rebound from just yet.  I feel so terrible for the jealousy I feel when other people talk about their moms.  To know that someday, I'll hopefully have a baby, but my mom won't be here to help me is so scary.  Someday hopefully this crazy soldier will get married, and he won't get to have a mother-son dance on his special day.  These are the things that bring me to tears. 

Summer 2010 - 4th of July, before Korean depoloyment
 So many of the painful and heartbreaking feelings are at the very top in recent days, as a very close friend is in the beginning stages of supporting his dad through a cancer battle.  I know exactly how he feels, how helpless it can be and the sadness that comes with the realization that your parent won't be here forever.  I hope there is a miracle, but until then, I'll do my best to be supportive.  Even if that means crying in the bathroom so no one sees me, sending food and games and books because I can't bring myself to go into the oncology center, and being a shoulder to cry on. 

my wedding day (9.5.09)
  Every day there are little hurdles, and while two years ago I might have jumped right over those little bumps in the road, right now they are enough to take me down and out for hours or even days.  I need to find myself again, to become the person I want and need to be, and a woman my mom would be proud of.  I'm just not sure how to get there, and if maybe buying stock in Kleenex is just an easier decision. 

Thanks for listening internet friends, hopefully I'll be back to my perky self soon enough...    



  1. I'm very sorry for your heartbreak. I honestly could not imagine. It breaks my heart that so much sorrow has entered your life. It is very brave of you to share this post with the world.

  2. I have to tell you that I am blown away by your honesty and vulnerability in this post. I am a new follower and just had to drop you a note to say what a beautiful post this is.


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