I've written several similar posts over the last few months, but they're all sitting in my drafts because I didn't want to hit "Publish" on such a woe-is-me post. I've refrained my best from doing so - or it would be the only thing to read on this blog. But today, today was more than I could handle and it is only 9am. I woke up this morning and realized I had my phone on vibrate overnight and missed the alert that Christopher was on Facebook at 3am. I was so mad and upset at myself, it was likely the only opportunity to talk to him today and I had questions to ask him. Trying to remember that being on Facebook means he is safe, and of course I read through all the things he shared last night, his usual snarky self came right through. I pulled it together, finished doing my hair and left for work. Barely out of the development, a Bonnie Raitt song comes on the radio. There is a reason I don't listen to Y102 anymore, because I never know when they're going to play a Bonnie song and memories of singing along to records, tapes, and cds with mom is usually more than I can handle. So there I am, less than 10 minutes after finishing my make-up, ruining it by crying.
|Family Vacation - Summer 2011 (pre-diagnosis)|
There are so many days like today, days where all I want is to crawl into bed and cry. To have Kevin hold me, because I know that life will never be the same again. I know there are a million amazing people in my life (although less than 40 have donated to my fundraising efforts), but some days I feel so alone. The heartbreak of losing 3 of the most important women in my life in 18 months is too awful for me to rebound from just yet. I feel so terrible for the jealousy I feel when other people talk about their moms. To know that someday, I'll hopefully have a baby, but my mom won't be here to help me is so scary. Someday hopefully this crazy soldier will get married, and he won't get to have a mother-son dance on his special day. These are the things that bring me to tears.
|Summer 2010 - 4th of July, before Korean depoloyment|
|my wedding day (9.5.09)|
Thanks for listening internet friends, hopefully I'll be back to my perky self soon enough...